The rites of Spring

It's all about spring cleaning right now. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, the whole nine. Had a big sense of closure with my ex. Long story, but finally, after 8 long years of nursing a huge resentment, I was freed, It happened last summer, but I gave in to an emotional roller coaster ride of epic intensity. Contacted him ot of the blue and asked for an original copy of my get out of jail card. He responded with a letter which in short said he had made the biggest mistake of his life by "letting me go" (as if he had a choice?)that his life since 2000 had been a misery, his rebound-romance-doppleganger-bridezilla was a disaster (quelle surprise, non?) and would I like to come back to smog and silicone heaven to rekindle theflame. Truth be told, I lost the plot, my religion, and all sense of space and time from hearing this worn out cliche. It hit below the belt, no actually about 2 feet above the belt and I felt like I'd taken a punch from Ali himself. For a month we exchanged heated emails, 3 hour phone calls, tearful forgiveness and vengeful excess. A circle which led to exactly where we'd left off when I walked out with a suitcase 1/15/99. I got in the parting shot though, a deadly blow to his engorged and fragile ego. I got about 8 hours of satisfaction by exacting this revenge, and then had an emotional hang-over to rival my worst real puke-fest ever.

Fast forward 8 months. I had sent several letters of apology, none answered. Then another out of the blue moment. I remembered with eerie clarity his cell phone number. Post haste I rang it, five times in fact, and was cut off each time; then, a deliberate delete of 4 texts I hastily churned out. Suddenly angered at this childish BS, I wrote what I thought was a thoughtful letter, accepting responsibility for truly bad behavior last summer. Kicking a man when he's down isn't what I like to think as my signature-not as a happy and somewhat evolved grown woman, who has been in a healthy and truly blessed relationship for over 4 years. I genuinely wanted to forgive and be forgiven by someone I know is lost and still married to someone he claims to despise.

Well, the drama door was re-opened. I suppose I got what I asked for, a response. In my professional life I have dealt with some major double crossing, back stabbing, disingenuous sycophants. I've been blind copied on emails trashing me with a scalpel, and faced the writer, smiling and high fiving me as only a music business MF can do. I have never though been sent a message with as much bile and searing hate as I received from X yesterday. It stopped me in my tracks for a full 24 hours, as I obsessed and re-lived every lousy thing I had ever said or done to him. I tortured myself the way he tortured me for the 5 years of marital misery that we grimly endured. But then, something amazing happened. I felt tapped on the shoulder by the Universe itself, and I forgave him, I forgave me, and I forgave life for the messy unresolved pain of the past and present. I saw clearly the where, when and why's that had eluded me since the moment on our honeymoon when I realized I had made one mother of a mistake by marrying him.

I sat down and wrote from my heart. I'm not looking for anything in return. It doesn't matter if he loathes me forever. I like me today, and I truly know, maybe for the first time how it feels to regain your self-worth in regard to a particularly bad chapter in one's history. This drama is finally done.

Living with an unresolved relationship can be a labyrinth which is impossible to escape from. Or you can learn to live with the ghost in a neutral way. It may never be your fiend. But you can give the ghost a name, and greet it with a smile when it appears, saying "Hi Ghost, I know you're here, but you can't haunt me anymore, I am not afraid.

I did not edit this text, I let it come out in a natural way, guided by nothing but respect for the anonymity of all involved. I'm tired, but I'm in a peaceful place. After trying every remedy known to man, the alien that lived in ,my heart has been released for good. I never want to read this post again. I want to release it to a power greater than myself, and let it go.

The rest of my spring cleaning has much more humor and light. I'll save those words for tomorrow. I promised myself to get to sleep before 2 AM tonight, I have been awake for far too long, and a good night's sleep will complete this part of my spring cleaning.

Love and light to anyone who happens to stumble upon this post. The light is there even when it feels like you are whistling in the dark alone.